It’s time to park the sleigh and dig deeply into the bag of gifts and zingers for those pretenders and contenders for the national spotlight. Here goes:
• Rick Perry: For sponsoring the gutting of public education in this year’s fiscal debacle — the Texas state legislative session — Gov. Goodhair will receive a pink hair dryer with the inscription: “Here’s something for you to blow yourself away with. Get thee to another state! Go!”
• Newt Gingrich: Newt the Grinch will be given a two-month vacation on a small, deserted island with John Bolton so he can see how a fascist dictatorship really works. If we’re lucky, neither will leave.
• Mitt Romney: He could use a hair dryer, too, but instead we’ll give him a closet of reversible clothes, including a pair of camouflage pajamas.
• Ron Paul: We’ll give the father of Rand Paul a leather-bound copy of "Atlas Shrugged" so he can reference it during the endless Republican debates. Furthermore, he’ll be able to figure out why Ayn Rand was an atheist.
• Michele Bachmann: Her gift is a full scholarship to any accredited university or college offering U.S. history as understood by Sarah Palin. There won’t be any credit hours earned, but boy, will rewriting the saga of America be fun to watch.
• Gabby Giffords: Her gift is really to us. She has bestowed true grace, courage and perseverance, something we all should cherish.
• Fox News: An endless supply of truth serum to be used by all commentators. President Roger Ailes will administer the truth drug and hope his ears won’t ring too badly when he hears real, unadorned facts. Sean Hannity should be exempt from this therapy since it wouldn’t affect him.
• Keith Olbermann: A basket of hyperbole should look really good on his desk during broadcasts. I know it will be redundant, but hey, he’s a millionaire, too.
• Barack Obama: This gift is the most difficult to give, because it must be earned. That would be his re-election. If he ignores the mindless attacks on him and his administration and continues to point out how obstructionism based on personal animas is destructive to the country, he will return to the White House.
• Elizabeth Warren: After she destroys Scott Brown in the November senatorial election in Massachusetts in November, she will be rewarded with Edward Kennedy’s old seat, where she can conduct rational and egalitarian legislation in a body that has clearly forgotten the Constitution. This is the main stepping stone for the gift she will then bestow upon the American people — following Obama into the White House in 2016 as the first female president.
Well, that wraps it up for this year. I know I’ve left out a few people deserving of gratitude or derision, but I’ll let you make up your own gift list.
Turner is a retired teacher and industrial engineer who lives near Marble Falls. He is an independent columnist, not a staff member, and his views do not necessarily reflect those of The Tribune or its parent company. "The Voter’s Guide to National Salvation" is a newly published e-book from Turner. You can find it at www.barnesandnoble.com/ebooks. He can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org.